A few days ago a woman going through a similar situation as myself, contacted me. She had come across this blog and wanted to touch base. She is a documentary filmmaker and phenomenal researcher who has her own blog called Love My Lap Band. For anyone considering Lap Band surgery, this site is a must to visit. It is an amazing place chock full of information, resources, statistics, links and other lap band bloggers.

She asked if we could chat on the phone and if I would be interested in being interviewed on video. I took a look at her site and saw other video clip interviews she had posted and agreed to talk with her. She’s thoughtful, intelligent and has reached a high-level of actualization with her body. I thoroughly enjoyed chatting with her. As our conversation progressed she brought up the idea of doing a documentary of my process and, specifically about my support system, the circle of women I’ve gathered to help me through this process. I think it’s a fabulous idea and am interested in seeing where it will go. I’ve invited her to film our circle meeting next week. I will keep you posted on the progression!

She sits all Tantra like, wisdom in her bones, a fish out of water in the buzz of MTV, today traveling motionless from here to there and back again. Presiding, residing, retaining, exclaiming I’m here you see, I’m here. You be here now too. I’m peace, I’m love, I’m the revolution rung true, wrung out. We’re one even still apart, trade towers blown out of heart, we’re one even still. So see me and don’t forget and don’t leave me, so see me sitting still, still, still, still. And still I want to remind you to be still. Take your MTV and wash your shakra still. Hush the volume, humble the road and sit in your window sill, smell the earth and be real with me, just a little real with me.

Entwine your design with the harmony of like minds, take up your quill and write the juice until it runs to the river, to the ocean, to the molten core of her. Cherry blossom your brain, let your dragons run free, drink jasmine with me and quell the disturbance fear.

A small smile is not necessarily small inside, it can belie things of a greater nature. The pasture green, the baptism scene, the earthquake leans the tower of Pisa and Statue of Liberty raises her stone torch still . . . still . . . still . . . still . . . still . . . still.

Mantra mana mama, you the queen, angel bright, your eyes stream to the river, to the ocean, to the molten core of her. Carry us your dream awake, all the while carry us still.

My acupuncturist just called back after listening to my message. She said she had no intention of making me feel like I was responsible for breaking her chair or that I should pay for it. She asked if we could set up another appointment for next week, that I bring my own chair and said it’s important to her that I feel comfortable.

Sigh.

When you look at the world through fat glasses and have lived a lifetime being exposed to the oppression that comes with it, it’s hard to know what’s what sometimes.

Today I got a phone message from my acupuncturist asking that I bring my own chair to our appointment tomorrow morning. This, in and of itself, isn’t an odd request because most times when visiting her I bring my own folding chair, as it is more sturdy and comfortable than many chairs I encounter out in the world. On occasion, as with our last appointment, I didn’t bring my own chair, and instead used hers (which had felt sturdy, though not comfortable enough for me), before sitting on the floor to do our treatment.

In her message she explained the chair I had used broke shortly after our appointment and that the legs had snapped off. She said, “I have to go out and buy a new chair, which I haven’t done yet, so it would be best if you would bring your own chair.”

Instantly I felt that familiar shame. Which I hate. I hate feeling shameful for the fact the world doesn’t have a place for me. I hate internalizing oppression. Before I could even come to earth about how I felt, I was picking up the phone to make it right with her.

In my message back to her I said I was very sorry for breaking her chair. I explained I would like to cancel our appointment tomorrow and instead send her the money I would have spent on the appointment to help purchase another chair. At the time, this felt like the honorable thing to do. And the safe thing to do. If I was going to be seen as the chair destructing fat woman, well, at least I will be thought of as an honorable fat woman.

Then a little later, after getting more grounded, I started imagining all the other ways the scene could have played itself out. “Was it passive aggressive for her to leave a message like that?” I wondered. I thought back to the times I had been in her office and couldn’t remember her agreeing it best I bring my own chair. I never heard a warning that she thought her chairs weren’t sturdy enough. And when she left her message, she never said she believed me to be the cause of her broken chair, but I assumed that’s what she meant. She never asked that I help her pay for the chair, but I felt as if she wanted me to.

Now in hindsight, I wish I would have been present enough for myself to have a conversation with her about it. Point out, perhaps, the opportunities she had, if concerned, to make her thoughts known. I wish I would have asked her why, when treating an obese woman for obesity, would she not create a place for me?

The common answer to this many would offer, is that she wouldn’t want to embarrass me by addressing the issue. But I ask this. If you can’t talk openly and honestly with your healing professional and your healing professional can’t talk openly and honestly with you, is it possible for that relationship to truly be healing?

Here’s the latest upload to my YouTube channel.

For more on my YouTube channel, ManifestingFreedom, click here.

Here’s a video clip that gives a good look at what happens to a body, specifically the body’s skin, after bariatric surgery weight loss. To see it, click here.

Today I’ve finished the first draft of my funding appeal. I’ve compiled information from my circle, my doctor, my insurance specialist as well as a handfull of other agencies. If any of this–the timeline, the process, the information about different surgeries available, what costs to expect, etc.–can be used to help others in my situation, I am thrilled. Weaving through the insurance maze, alone, is quite a feat. My statistics and figures are based on what is normal for Southern California, however much of the process is the same for all of us considering weight loss surgery.

It’s humbling to ask people to help me accomplish this. As someone who spends a lot of time caring for others, it is uncomfortable. But the bottom line is this. I’m not willing to crawl off to a corner, lie down somewhere and die. It is not my time. I have so much to offer and so much to teach about my experience. And for someone who is used to accomplishing whatever I set my mind to, I know there is no possible way I can accomplish this alone.

I did my regression session with Beth and must admit it was pretty interesting. She led me on a guided visualization and didn’t take me too “deep” so I could easily get use to the process. My imagination took me to ancient Greece, the third dynasty BC of what was then called Sumeria.

Whether or not this was a past life in the traditional sense of the word, I can’t say. However, many things in the meditation made me examine some current beliefs in a different way. In my visualization, I was the wife of a King who had other wives, consorts and lovers. Passionately in love with him, I was devastated by his affections for other women as well as the fact I was not able to bear him a son. So lost was I by the removal of his love, I felt suicidal. In this story, I killed myself through starvation. It was a slow death that resulted in slipping into a coma and remaining in that limbo state for a bit before finally dying. I made a decision at the time that loving fully and openly was dangerous.

When I look at the symbology presented I know that I do have a similar belief in “this lifetime.” Whether or not this has anything to do with my weight, I can’t say. But I wouldn’t be surprised. I do know that I am very guarded about letting others know how I feel about them. I am affable and kind, but in the past have been reserved and cautious about letting others know when I care deeply for them. Motherhood, though, has been changing all that.

When Cousteau was first born, I remember thinking I was completely in over my head with nary a bit of control over it. I realized in an instant I loved this little being so wholly that I would now forever be completely vulnerable. Should I ever lose him, I would be right back where I was in the viusalization above. Devastated and unwilling to live. In a wierd way, though, that realization gave me freedom. It’s kind of like returning to your parked car only to find it ticketed. Why bother moving the car if you’ve already paid an entire day for that spot? Why bother with a poker face when all your chips are already in?

I will continue this path with Beth and let you know where it leads. If nothing else, it is fun and interesting.

I continue to pursue alternative healing methods alongside all my traditional efforts. Beth has offered to do some past life regression and investigate whether my weight may be, or partly be, a result of some past life muckety muck. Don’t know if I believe in past lives, but I’m still willing to give it a go. I used to believe in past lives when I was younger. Now I think more about all time co-existing simultaneously and different realities on different continuums. Regardless, I’m interested in trying her approach. In a Gestalt way I think it will be very telling about what’s at the bottom of my psyche. Maybe I have some unconscious beliefs that keep the weight on my body. I’ve examined this theme in traditional therapy until being blue in the face. Maybe coming from this untraditional angle, I’ll discover something new. ??? Will keep you posted.

For unknown reasons, obese women suffer from headaches quite often, but science has not yet found the correlation. To me it seems like a no brainer. Give someone 300 extra pounds to carry around all day and I’ll bet they’ll end up with a headache!

I’ve been battling the onset of a migraine the past few days, unfortunately a common occurrence for me, however it was accompanied by some very odd tingling and numbness on the left side of my face. I was so thankful to wake up today and have it gone. I learned that my estranged father suffered a stroke a few days ago and wonder if my body was psychically relaying the message. At any rate, I have much more energy today and the pain is gone.